Repentance

It seems strange how sometimes my mental meanderings seem to preview the upcoming Gospel readings. Sunday 2/13 we will read from Matthew 5:21and on. Two weeks ago I was wondering about the difference between the commandments and rules of Leviticus and Deuteronomy which resulted in the cult of cleanliness and expiation I read about in commentaries and the underlying wish for any parent for their child to be " a good kid." The difference between obeying rules out of fear of punishment and obeying rules because they describe the only way to live healthily. The difference between obeying God's commandments and Jesus fulfilling them?

I went back to my textbooks and looked up "metanoia," the Greek word that the translators make out to be  "repentance." To me being repentant means to be sorry for one's sins/crimes. It means to know what one did was wrong and to wish it undone and to vow never to re-commit it and if possible to atone for it. Metanoia means to become the person who cannot even conceive of doing the sin/crime again. In terms of the Parole Board, I believe we expect them to grant parole only to those who have metanoia, for how can we trust someone who merely repents? What happens if the triggers or bad choosing recur? We would then have a repentant recidivist.

I personally feel this doubt about myself and I transfer it to the prisoner. I am constantly struggling against the sinful desires of my heart: I want power; I am jealous; I desire things I do not need; I judge others and have no respect for them; I hold resentments. And in my arrogance, I believe that if I, who am saved and blessed must fight moment by moment these temptations, how can someone with a criminal history do any better?

I have witnessed what I thought to be conversions, people having a metanoia, but after months or even hours, when I talk to them, there is no difference in the basic person I am talking to. The man who answers an altar call on Saturday night, on Monday still resents the woman on Food stamps ahead of him in the grocery store line. The woman who approaches me on the street asking if I have been saved, snarling that "Jesus will be ashamed of you on Judgement Day" at me when I thank her for her concern and tell her I don't feel comfortable discussing the state of my soul with her.Public media are full of other examples. The pastor on TV caught messing with a teenager who came to him for guidance and the politician who campaigns on a Christian platform and then leaves his wife for another woman. And I look within and see shadows, too.

So how can I trust the claims for metanoia by prisoners? How do I become a Christin, not an Old Testament follower who has read the New? How does one hope for the best?

TESTIMONY

What is a miracle? It is God suspending natural law for God’s purposes. The Hebrew, Christian and Muslim faiths abound with miracle stories. Sarah bearing children in her old age, Elijah being taken up into heaven, Isaiah bringing a child back to life, the conception of Jesus, splitting the moon, the sun standing still, and of course for Christians, the Resurrection. The other world faiths also have miracle stories.

But what do we see as miracles now? Pope John Paul II has just had the healing of a French Nun of her Parkinson’s disease listed so he has been beatified. This is a medical miracle and can be measured, judged and verified. Many miracles pertaining to Christian saints pertain to medical cures. That spontaneous remission is considered a miracle is the source of many debates among us.

For me, in the hospital and nursing home and prison setting, I see miracles in how God changes individuals in their outlooks, their hopes, and their world views. God changes people much more often than God changes weather or microbes or cancer cells. It has become my honor, not to be the preacher who heals the lame on TV nor the prophet who touches a child and cures her cleft palate. I have been blessed to see an angry old woman, hurting those around her out of her own pain, realize that her daughter needs her love, and decide to send her a Christmas card apologizing for being spiteful. It is a holy moment when the dementia patient who has struck out in frustration and terror has a flash of peace, and looks for a chair to sit in and look out the window. It is beautiful when a son comes to sit by his mother’s ICU bed and feels safe and strong enough to tell her he is sorry and ask for her forgiveness.

These are what I call miracles of the soul; miracles where God has given us a moment of “the Peace that passes understanding.” These moments give us an awareness of God’s loving presence in our lives, in our distress and pain. I often pray that the person I am with can feel God’s arm around her shoulder, hear God’s whispered “I love you” in his ear.

When I am called to testify to God’s power and presence, that is where my heart goes. It goes to those little miracles of God overcoming pain, fearfulness, pride, resentment and anger to let us feel God’s love and let us love one another when we need it most.