Repentance

It seems strange how sometimes my mental meanderings seem to preview the upcoming Gospel readings. Sunday 2/13 we will read from Matthew 5:21and on. Two weeks ago I was wondering about the difference between the commandments and rules of Leviticus and Deuteronomy which resulted in the cult of cleanliness and expiation I read about in commentaries and the underlying wish for any parent for their child to be " a good kid." The difference between obeying rules out of fear of punishment and obeying rules because they describe the only way to live healthily. The difference between obeying God's commandments and Jesus fulfilling them?

I went back to my textbooks and looked up "metanoia," the Greek word that the translators make out to be  "repentance." To me being repentant means to be sorry for one's sins/crimes. It means to know what one did was wrong and to wish it undone and to vow never to re-commit it and if possible to atone for it. Metanoia means to become the person who cannot even conceive of doing the sin/crime again. In terms of the Parole Board, I believe we expect them to grant parole only to those who have metanoia, for how can we trust someone who merely repents? What happens if the triggers or bad choosing recur? We would then have a repentant recidivist.

I personally feel this doubt about myself and I transfer it to the prisoner. I am constantly struggling against the sinful desires of my heart: I want power; I am jealous; I desire things I do not need; I judge others and have no respect for them; I hold resentments. And in my arrogance, I believe that if I, who am saved and blessed must fight moment by moment these temptations, how can someone with a criminal history do any better?

I have witnessed what I thought to be conversions, people having a metanoia, but after months or even hours, when I talk to them, there is no difference in the basic person I am talking to. The man who answers an altar call on Saturday night, on Monday still resents the woman on Food stamps ahead of him in the grocery store line. The woman who approaches me on the street asking if I have been saved, snarling that "Jesus will be ashamed of you on Judgement Day" at me when I thank her for her concern and tell her I don't feel comfortable discussing the state of my soul with her.Public media are full of other examples. The pastor on TV caught messing with a teenager who came to him for guidance and the politician who campaigns on a Christian platform and then leaves his wife for another woman. And I look within and see shadows, too.

So how can I trust the claims for metanoia by prisoners? How do I become a Christin, not an Old Testament follower who has read the New? How does one hope for the best?