Freedom

We discussed in the prison group the difference between inmates and "civilians." We compared impulses and behaviors. One inmate said solemnly, "The difference between us and a lot of people on the street is that we got convicted and sentenced." They also made comparisons between a policeman who speeds in his black and white without the lights or siren (denoting official business) and a CO who won't let inmates smoke in a non-smoking area, while he himself is smoking; or a CO who gives an inmate a ticket for taking a carton of milk from the mess to his dorm, but who throws a dozen carton in his duffel to take home. But after agreeing that the difference is in frequency and immediacy, not in degree, we then talked of behaviors on the inside versus the outside. I recounted a story of a confrontation I had with a police officer in which I acted the role of disgruntled and almost harassed citizen, risking arrest and continuing hostility. The inmates compared that with confronting a guard who refused to do one of his duties (inspecting a letter before it was sealed), thereby making the letter late.

The inmates' point was that I could weigh the options (arrest, fine, further harassment) and decide whether to continue standing up against a bully in uniform. Freedom for me was having the option to decide. They have no easy choice. Any and every incident can lead to a "ticket" or even being put in isolation, depending on the bully himself. In effect, an inmate must learn to maintain his own self-respect and the respect of any onlookers, without the choices I have as a civilian.

Then they talked about what will happen if they get parole. A parolee cannot afford to have any kind of dialogue with any police officer, or he will be violated. Any confrontation which might result in the police being called, he has to back down and get away. I can choose to speed on the highway. My choice is based on the knowledge that one ticket will only raise my insurance, two I might lose my license. A parolee, if he is allowed to drive at all, if he speeds, it is a violation. A rolling stop may result in a return to prison. His choices are much much harsher than mine.

Now I am not rendering this conversation well, but I think it is clear that they almost fear parole, as it is so restrictive and their choices are so damaging to the ego. We managed to talk some about "managing" the way people construct their ego. We didn't use the word, but I believe Macho plays a large part in the conflicts that they faced and still face inside and on parole. The idea of maintaining self respect from the inside instead of needing reinforcement or confirmation from outside is something I myself have trouble with, and I do not face the problems they will. I asked myself as I drove home, "What made you need to confront that officer? Why did you NEED to force the officer to comply with YOUR rules?" And worse, I wondered how long I would last on parole, dealing with a parole officer, unwelcoming neighbors and the hostility of a society which wants me locked away forever?