Why is it so hard?

It took me 40 years to come to the point of wanting to visit and work with prisoners enough to actually do it. During that time, there were plenty of opportunities, albeit no one invited me. What was my hesitation? What blocked me from the call? Part of it was that I was full of my own problems. But I still am plagued by those issues. Part was the attitude of, "Let someone else do it." Part was the problem of out of sight out of mind. And then there was the inertia; maybe if I waited long enough there wouldn't be any need to do it. When I started, it was one invitation that did it, but it was also that I had become the person who could accept that invitation. Now that I am indeed making visits to the jails and the prisons, now that I am lending strength to families as the visit, and acting as a sounding post for those released to parole or probation, I can't understand what took me so long. I have met some wonderful volunteers, some who have been making weekly visits for as much as 40 years, some who make one visit a month. I have met some fascinating people in the system, too.

As we were discussing the A.A. principle that a person will not begin to change until their situation becomes too painful to NOT change, one of the inmates at Groveland said, "When I first was sentenced, I spent 10 years as the same person I had been when I committed my crime. I went to church and took all the courses they required because I knew it would go into my Parole file. In the yard I was the guy nobody messed with. And I went to "the Box" several times. But I didn't start to change inside until I got to the point that it was too much work to stay the biggest and baddest guy in the barracks. Something had to change. And it wasn't gonna be the prison system. That left it up to me." We went on to talk about how the "lifers" watch the newcomers, some "lifers" step forward to help them, others to recruit them into the prison lifestyle. Others still stand off and let it be. I began to think not only of that microcosm, but also about my own behaviors and attitudes. Don't we "lifers" fall into those three categories? Some of us are involved in the culture in which we find ourselves; we work, we strive to succeed and we teach others, our children and those we influence how to do the same. Some of us are rescuer types, striving to make the world a better place as we decide better, heroes or lawmen. Others are content to stand off to the side, allowing others the freedom to act, ready to guide if asked, but not volunteering.